Have you ever confounded yourself with an action or decision which completely gets in the way of your success? Whether that be a business goal or personal health goal? What about when everything seems to be going fine and suddenly you either do or say something that seems to throw a spanner in the works? Why do we do this?
To navigate, appreciate and understand the self-sabotaging pattern, we need to focus on what happens after we have self-sabotaged to find the answers. In other words, are there any psychological or emotional gains in running this pattern in our lives? As it turns out the answer is a resounding yes.
Why we self-sabotage
Like all things human behaviour, there are layers of complexity behind all actions and decisions. One such layer is the ‘secret’ pay-off we get from immersing in the drama of self-sabotage. Here are three types of hidden pay-offs which explain what can seem illogical behaviour:
- Avoidance of responsibility: when we self-sabotage something that we regard as important and that can add to our growth (professionally or personally), sabotaging our actions and decisions prevents us from embracing the next level of responsibility which arises from that growth. Many people don’t like ever-expanding responsibilities because of new levels of uncertainty it brings. Emotionally fit people embrace the challenge ahead along with the next level of responsibility that may bring.
- Staying safe: Safe from what? Sometimes we may self-sabotage our success journey because we are afraid of what it may bring. Higher levels of success can breed higher levels of judgement, rejection and failure. Avoiding this means we can remain safe from harsh opinion or rejection or failing from a higher level.
- Boredom: Our emotional wellbeing is delicately balanced between two very important psychological drivers. Those two drivers are certainty and uncertainty. Too much uncertainty and we feel overwhelmed. Too much certainty and we become bored. If we are bored, a way of sparking some uncertainty is to sabotage a conversation or meeting. Have you ever picked an argument in a relationship you feel bored in? Or created a drama in a job you feel stale in? The payoff for variety or uncertainty must be balanced with our need for certainty. As the cliché goes “variety is the spice of life”. A lack of spice can lead to drama creating self-sabotage.
How do we prevent it?
Most sabotaging actions are self- focused and self-indulging. If we shift this focus onto others, everything can change.
As human beings we are naturally wired to contribute. In other words, we will naturally do more for others than perhaps we would do for ourselves. Have you ever cleaned your house because you have people coming over? What about the plumber who helps others and yet his plumbing in his own home is a shambles? Many people are kinder to others than they are to themselves. What does this have to do with preventing, or at least minimising the impact of self-sabotage? Everything!
If you want to stop sabotaging patterns of behaviour in areas of your life which matter to you, become accountable to somebody else. An accountability ‘buddy’ can do wonders. If I have promised to call you every Wednesday with some kind of progress report, I will not want to let you down. Just reporting into someone else will boost my chances of success and reduce the chances of sabotaging actions.
For this accountability strategy to work well, there is a second component to preventing sabotage – commitment. Nobody can help someone who has zero commitment to change. Committing to a meaningful outcome significantly reduces our chances of sabotage.
For example, just recently I have committed to running a marathon. This commitment has powerfully prevented me from overindulging and sabotaging my eating patterns. I have a meaningful reason to not sabotage. As the saying goes, “if we have a big enough why we can handle any how.”
Extending on our point here of focusing on others, we need to become aware of who else our sabotaging patterns may be affecting. This can be both positive and negative. What will others gain if we stop self -sabotaging? What are they missing out on if we keep self- sabotaging?
The more we realise our lives have never been about us, the less likely we will self-sabotage.
Joe Pane is an expert in human behaviour specialising in emotional fitness and the author of the new book Courage To Be You – Your Guide To Mastering Uncertainty. With degrees majoring in psychology and sociology Joe has delivered emotional fitness keynotes and workshops to tens of thousands of people since 2006. His new book is now available from amazon. For more info go to www.joepane.com.au