We are who we are because we believe that it’s the best way to be. We’ve formed our opinions, our values, our beliefs, the way we dress, the way we talk, the toppings on our pizza and embedded these into neural pathways in our mind and we believe we are right (yes, pineapple belongs on pizza). Why else would we choose to believe or follow this path?
So, when we come across someone that is even the slightest bit different to us, it’s like alarm bells go off in our head…. Our neural pathways are telling us one thing yet the person in front of us is saying or doing something completely different. It triggers our mind, something is wrong!
Our mind defaults to the easiest and quickest solution and that is to believe we are right and clearly the other person is wrong; judgement enters the room. We start judging them for being different to us. ‘How can you seriously not believe that the sweetness of the pineapple balances the savoury of the pizza?’
It’s quite the conundrum because we know every person is wired differently and has their own unique DNA, yet our mind is so convinced on creating boundaries to protect us based on what we think is ‘normal’, anything outside of our ‘normal’ is a problem. This is two-fold as it happens when we initially come across the situation and judgement rears its head in our mind, it also happens when other people judge us, and we get caught in a loop judging them back.
So, the actual cause that leads us to being judgemental makes sense and is quite common. But allowing ourselves to do this and believe it’s ok, knowing the impact it has on the people around us, is where the lack of emotional intelligence occurs. Here are 3 practical tips to stop being judgemental:
1. Own it and be self-aware
Own the fact that every one of us can easily slip into judgement, even with the best of intentions. Be self-aware that your mind is going to compare everything around it to what it believes is ‘normal’, it’s completely natural and can happen several times a day.
Notice it is happening, reflect on the process, why it’s happening and your beliefs that are driving it. It’s what you choose to do and how you respond with that comparison that makes all the difference.
2. Get out of your own head – it’s not always about us
When we are in our own head, we think of ourselves first and foremost. ‘What does it mean to me?’ ‘How do I feel about this?’ ‘Do I feel like an idiot because they are questioning my love for pineapple on pizzas?’ ‘How do I protect myself from these feelings?’
This is the natural ‘fight or flight’ response from our emotional brain (amygdala). Do we want to fight for our beliefs and pull our ego into the conversation, or do we want to flight and get out of there or change the conversation? Or do we gain control of our emotional brain and remember, it’s not always about us.
It’s nice to have beliefs but we don’t have to force these beliefs on other people all the time. It is ok for us to be different, nothing is going to happen, we can order separate pizzas or do a half/half option (depending on whether the pineapple juice could cause contamination).
Most of the things we are judging other people on aren’t life threatening or world ending and really make little difference to our lives. Face the emotions occurring in your mind, be ok with them and look for alternatives to move forward.
3. Be curious about how other people feel
A different opinion, belief, value or choice has come from somewhere, be curious to understand where it came from and how it is embedded in the other person. Being curious does not mean listening and then interrogating how their pizza toppings became so messed up!
When we are curious to how other people feel, there is no ‘right or wrong’ or ‘winner or loser’ involved, our ego is not driving, it is simply curiosity to understand without the need to judge or rebut. Ask questions like: ‘How does it feel for them?’ ‘How or where did this belief come from?’ ‘What does this belief mean to them?’ ‘That’s interesting, talk to me about it?’
During these communications, if we find ourselves starting sentences with ‘I’ or with self-driven language like ‘I think..’ or ‘in my opinion..’, we are still in our own head. It’s not about us, get out of your own head there is nothing to prove or win.
So, whether you are in the workplace, out and about or at home, you will come across people that are different. They will have different opinions, beliefs, values or choices. Some people will think option A is the best choice, where others will think option B clearly is. Some people will agree with your recollection of the event; some will have seen it slightly different. Some like pineapple on pizza, some don’t.
This is going to be the case for the rest of your life because each person is different. How you choose to respond is the only thing you can control. Will you judge or will you be emotionally intelligent?
Amy Jacobson is an emotional intelligence (EI) and human behaviour specialist, delivering EI programs, keynotes and workshops across Australia internationally. She is author of ‘Emotional Intelligence: A simple and actionable guide to increasing performance, engagement and ownership’, and the new book ‘The Emotional Intelligence Advantage: Mastering change and difficult conversations’. Visit www.amyjacobson.com.au
