While a truthful answer may offend, a dishonest one may create trust issues down the road. So does telling the truth strengthen romantic relationships, or does it backfire?
Bonnie Le, an assistant professor in the Department of Psychology at the University of Rochester, may have the answer — based on a recent study with more than 200 couples. Published in the journal Social Psychological and Personality Science, her team’s research looked at the role of honesty in romantic relationships.
The study, based on face-to-face conversations between romantic partners examined the effects of expressing honesty, perceiving honesty, and accurately discerning honesty among romantic partners who shared so-called relationship-threatening information. Specifically, the study participants talked in one-on-one conversations with their partners about a change they wanted to see in the other.
The finding?
Just tell the truth.
Honesty can help create a connection and foster closeness; yet it can also hurt our partners when we share potentially threatening information, such as, “I really dislike when you do x,” or, “I wish you’d do y instead.” But, in the long run, expressed and perceived honesty has several positive effects, according to the Rochester team.
“We found that being more honest in expressing a desired change predicted greater personal and relationship well-being for both partners, as well as greater partner motivation to change in the moment,” says Le. “The same pattern emerged when the person receiving a request to change perceived honesty in their partner, regardless of whether their partner was being honest or not.”
Their research discovered that even if partners in a relationship don’t perfectly understand or accurately perceive each other’s honesty, the simple act of expressing honesty and being perceived as honest by the other partner has a positive effect on the relationship and contributes to its overall well-being. Essentially, the effort to be truthful matters more than flawless accuracy in its perception. “These results collectively suggest that being honest and seeing honesty in a partner can benefit relationships,” says Le. “Even when the truth may hurt.”
There’s of course a fine line between honesty and criticism, and how you deliver honesty is critical to how it’s received. The key is to focus on choosing the right moment to have a calm conversation, express your feelings clearly while focusing on your own perspective, listen empathetically to their response, look for constructive feedback and avoid blame.
