My daughter and I were watching a movie. Halfway through, I felt it … this terrible fatigue come over me. I went to go and lie down. Worse than ever before.
I changed my mind. I had to do this. Have a shower and get in some comfortable clothes for a wait at the hospital A&E.
I asked my other daughter’s boyfriend if he could take me to the hospital. I had been to the beach that morning. The stillness and layers of blue with sky and sea, the birds on the rocks.
Five days later, I left hospital. A diagnosis of advanced breast cancer and metastasised to lungs. Words cannot describe the feelings that followed.
Me. A cancer diagnosis. The lump I ignored for a few months. Believing it would be benign. Breast cancer wasn’t in my family, with quite a few females amongst us. This is what I’d say to myself.
The recalling how the shape changed fast! Weeks. Denial, busy, I’ll get to it. Must be an abscess, actually.
I never knew cancer could spread from one part to another. I have breast cancer – that gave me lung cancer. The cancer in my lungs is in fact breast cancer cells. As a non-smoker, it was strange to say: “I have lung cancer.”
This is because I didn’t get the cancer diagnosed earlier. It spread. My lungs were the highway ramp the cells took.
My family from overseas and interstate soon came to stay and help. My girls’ father is my best friend. My good friends put their hands up to take me to chemotherapy and immunotherapy every Saturday.
‘I can do hard things’
Everyone’s journey with cancer is different and I truly understand this. With mine, my words to myself became: “I am living with cancer not dying from cancer” and “I can do hard things”.
I stopped drinking alcohol eight years earlier. I ate pretty healthy already but now I certainly tweaked my diet. Studying up on good foods. Walnuts, almonds (small amounts daily). Berries and broccoli and cauliflower to name a few
Realising as I lay in bed, with cancer, that I wanted to get up and do things. My “things”. Movement is key. Of course a person’s current health situation, other than cancer, or because of cancer side-effects can limit their exercise. For me I was just as ‘up’ as usual.
I love walking on the beach and in my garden. I recalled how I was gardening that very morning with breast cancer, advanced cancer and just not even aware. Perhaps a curtain of denial protecting me.
Activity can block pain receptors to the brain. Hence when you finish work and sit, the aches and pains creep back. For me I can continue with my enjoyment of my hobbies. And it really is important in my situation.
My “living with cancer” situation as I call it loves movement, to exercise.
How sympathetic my flowers are, looking up with pink petals, or a new bloom about to come through. I love my garden. It’s my place of peace. Always changing and moving. Speaking to me without language. My dad bought me a frangipani in a pot when he visited, many moons ago, I put it into my front yard, void of any plants. And so it began.
Also my writing. Naturally my new words in poetry and stories are based around my diagnosis. That’s how it was for me.
Yes, me. With breast cancer.
Recalling my first night home from the hospital, I got up from sleeping at around 11pm. I steadied myself and realised I was not alone. I could feel the cancer, I felt this chill, on my back. Felt it as though it was looking back at me, as I looked at it, metaphorically speaking.
I went to the bathroom. I suddenly felt like a “cancer patient”. I even said to myself: “You may be here, but I’m in here, too. I can do hard things.” I called my tumour Roger. At the hospital I got a lot of information, relevant information. “Roger that,” I said to myself. Roger it became.
I have children, my girls are my world. Family, friends. I cannot express enough the importance of mindset. I love so many people, they all came in a wave. Loving me back, so grateful, humble, thankful.
How could I feel a lump and not go to the doctor about it. I am 48 years old. All the advertising and all the education and I just did not get my lump checked.
Busy mornings. School runs, chores, work, home, afternoon naps. I would wake and my back would be quite warm, sheet damp. I thought, “Menopause is a lot.” All that time it was a tumour.
It was an infection in the breast that made me finally go to hospital. Pain relief and naps, until finally I knew I had to go to hospital. I always remember thinking – amongst our busy days – “How do I say to my girls, I’m not okay. I have to go to the hospital”?
Thinking what I had might just shrink away. Concluding now that it must be an abscess. Guessing is not the way to go. Hindsight is a great thing. I do not dwell too much on the past. It’s today that matters.
The things that matter
Do what you love. It’s relaxing, fulfilling, stimulating. Releases endorphins, which are ‘happy’ feelings when one exercises. I love writing. Always have. Life can get in the way of hobbies or passions. Always chores or work. Make the time for the things that matter to you.
New foods now. I discovered smoothies. Berries, natural yoghurt, oats, milk all in the blender. All the goodness blended up.
Small walks, simple chores, green tea in my mornings. Afternoons I nap.
Support through the journey can help, too. I can ring the Cancer Council at any time. Which I have. There is a lot of support available. I cannot thank enough those who have made homemade meals for us, done house maintenance. People I care about, but who love us. The hospital services. The flowers in my lounge.
The feelings of gratitude and positivity is a palpable energy. It really is my drive.
Now I am having radiotherapy. Five days a week for three weeks. Is it a lot? Of course it is. I am grateful for modern-day treatment and therapies. These teams are always researching. Side effects can differ from person to person. Mine is fatigue and aches here and there. Hair loss. Like my daughter said, “You’re not defined by your hair.” A cat pulled on my scarf, jolting me back. A few laughs.
It’s a lot to physically change. But a smile is a smile. Wearing bright lipstick is my feel-good product. My lower eyelashes have gone. I don’t want to put mascara on my top and pull them all off, after.
I had a test to see if I carry the BRCA gene. If I do, then my girls will do genetic blood tests too. If not, then I was an unlucky one who got a breast lump that was cancerous – and in turn failed to get it checked.
I never knew a tumour sent off signals and that’s how other parts of the body can get cancer.
Yes, I like to laugh. Laugh or cry, right. And that’s okay, too. It’s healthy. Still I choose positivity. I choose strength. I can’t change my past. I don’t even know about the future. But today, I know I won’t be alone and a good friend is only a phone call away and tears flow freely too.
“I’m living with cancer, not dying from cancer.”
Know Your Breasts & Have Them Checked Regularly
Breast cancer is not one disease, but a range of different types and subtypes of disease that are referred to as ‘breast cancer’. It can be different for each person, therefore, the treatment will vary from person to person. Breast cancer is the abnormal growth of cells that begins in the lining of the breast ducts, lobules, fatty or connective tissues of the breast.
The cells grow uncontrollably and over time, can spread into surrounding breast tissue and to other parts of the body.
While breast cancer is most common in women, it also affects a small number of men each year. Early detection of breast cancer while it is small and confined to the breast provides the best chance of effective treatment. Being aware of the normal look and feel of your breasts is important. If you notice any changes, see your doctor. “I felt a lump” is a common phrase for those who have had a breast cancer diagnosis, but there are many other symptoms or warning signs to watch for.
Breast changes may include:
- a lump in your breast or armpit;
- changes in the size or shape of your breast;
- irritation or dimpling of your breast skin;
- pain in any area of your breast;
- puckering of part of the breast when you lift your arms;
- redness, crusting or flaky skin in your nipple area or your breast;
- inverted nipple or pain in your nipple area and nipple discharge.
Regular screening (a mammogram every two years from the age of 40) is recommended. Getting checked if you notice any changes, keeping weight and alcohol consumption in normal ranges, as well as getting regular exercise and stress management have been shown to minimise risk.
There are also online tools to help determine personal risk. The website petermac.org/iprevent is one free online tool that is a breast cancer risk assessment and risk management decision support tool designed to facilitate prevention and screening discussions between women and their doctors.
While breast cancer is the most common cancer diagnosed in Australian and New Zealand women – it affects one in seven Australian women over their lifetime – mortality has decreased since breast screening began. However, the latest available data shows only around half of women get regular screening.
