How to tell if it’s time for a ‘friend cleanse’: 10 questions to ask yourself

By Janet Stone

How to tell if it’s time for a ‘friend cleanse’: 10 questions to ask yourself
A new year is a good time to start afresh, but should this include our friends?

Friendships have proven key to our health and happiness, but when a friendship becomes detrimental to our wellbeing, it may be time to consider cutting ties and making new, more meaningful and fulfilling connections.

The thought of breaking up with a friend might make your stress levels rise, but first it’s best to understand, and be comfortable with, the natural ebb and flow that inevitably happens in our relationships.

Dana Kerford, Friendship Expert and Founder of URSTRONG, says: “It’s very normal that we sometimes grow apart from certain friends and that not all friendships are meant to last a lifetime.”

What makes a good friend?

“Signs of a healthy fulfilling friendship is a friend that’s happy for your success,” says Dr Marisa G. Franco, author of Platonic: How Understanding Your Attachment Style Can Help You Make – and Keep – Friends.

She refers to true friends as being “(A friend) that is there to help you and to support you during your low moments; a friend who rbings up issues with you directly instead of just ghosting or withdrawing from you; and a friend who is engaged in mutuality, which means they’re considering your needs and their needs at the same time and balancing both of them.”

‘Red Zone’ friendships

On the flipside, “an unhealthy friendship is where it feels bad, it feels hard, you don’t have trust and respect, you might feel frustrated, or helpless,” says Kerford.

Dr Bruce Y. Lee, Professor of Health Policy and Management at the City University of New York School of Public Health, has created 10 criteria for assessing whether or not someone should remain your friend.

He says: “If someone met one or more of the following 10 criteria, that person was a candidate to be cleansed from my friendship circle.”

10 questions to ask about your friendship:

  1. Have the not been there for me when I reached out during the tougher moments of my life?
  2. Where they judgemental when I revealed that I was going through tough times?
  3. Did they not make an adequate effort to stay in touch?
  4. Did they fail to make enough effort to really get to know me?
  5. Have they not been open about themselves and their lives? Were they instead presenting a front or charade to me?
  6. Did they fail to tell me or warn me about important things that I needed to know?
  7. Did I wonder about what they were saying or doing behind my back?
  8. Dud they date my significant other while I was still with the significant other?
  9. Did they not seem to cherish our friendship?
  10. Did they not change any of the above behaviours even when given the opportunity to do so?

READ MORE: 4 friendship boundaries you need to have in your life

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