Self-love is surely the answer to all our troubles and woes – it is promoted as the answer to finding love, having fulfilling relationships, and achieving goals. As a psychologist and couples therapist who helps others cultivate self-love, I know that self-love matters and does help us thrive in life. However, the truth is that most advice about self-love is superficial and glosses over our struggles. Lasting self-love is not grown from reciting a few positive affirmations and taking a candle-lit bubble bath. Allow me to explain why self-love feels unreachable, and the steps that actually build true self-love.
Most clients that I work with lack stable self-love. Their inner critic is strong, and they don’t see themselves as worthy of love. For many, self-love feels unobtainable and cringey. This is understandable given their early life experiences of emotional neglect, invalidation, or a lack of positive regard for their natural qualities and traits. If a child has received messages that they do not matter, this internalised sense of worth is carried into their adult life. It’s no wonder that building self-love takes a little bit more work than a simple self-care ritual.
Here’s what I teach my clients to help them develop a more consistent and stable self-love.
- Understand Your Emotional Needs
Schema Therapy, developed by Dr. Jeffrey Young, is a model of therapy that is rooted in healing early life wounds. A lack of self-love occurs when core emotional needs of childhood are unmet. These needs are essential and include empathy, emotional validation, self-expression that is met with encouragement and praise, and a stable and reliable connection to another that creates safety. The start of self-love is knowing that your needs are not too much. There is no shame in longing for praise, presence, connection, and empathy. Your emotional needs matter and are a priority. And you can meet these needs yourself.
- Emotional Validation is Self-Love
Women in particular have been socialised to give love, empathy, and care, to others. However, they struggle to feel as if their needs matter. They largely have an inner dialogue that tells them that they’re too needy, too emotional, too sensitive, or too much. An act of self-love is undoing this conditioning, by validating your emotions and needs. In doing so, you are acknowledging that you and your needs matter. In practice, this means naming the emotion you’re feeling in the moment, and then normalising it. For instance, “I’m feeling anxious and worried, and it makes sense I feel this way when there’s disconnection between us; it touches on fears of being alone, much like I felt when I was younger”. Accepting your feelings and nurturing them is self-love. Being present to your emotions is mirroring the love you need from another and deserve to receive.
- Reparenting the child within
Imagine you were to raise your child self again. Who do you want them to grow into? Who do you hope for them to be? Growing into a healthy adult that loves and accepts themselves comes from receiving messages about our worth. It comes from knowing that our emotional world matters to someone, that we have unique qualities, that we deserve rest, play, and joy; it comes from knowing that we don’t need to work hard or achieve to earn love and connection, and from knowing that we’re not responsible for managing the emotions of others. Think about your younger self and the early experiences that impacted their struggle with self-love. For example, if you were told “stop being so dramatic”, you could visualise telling your younger self that they matter, that their feelings are important to you. Or if you were the caring one in the family, you may tell your younger self that you care about them and their needs.
- Self-love is a practice
It’s important to know that self-love is not a goal that you tick off. You’re human, and there will be days when self-love is a big struggle. You may prefer cultivating self-like, self-acceptance, or self-compassion. Know that perfect self-love is not a requirement for a loving relationship or successful life. Don’t forget that flaws and imperfections show your humanity, and through this vulnerability you will connect more deeply with others.
As I often tell my clients, self-love deepens when you see yourself through the eyes of a loving other. When another acknowledges your strengths, values your time, treats you with respect, and prioritises your needs, you too realise you are worthy of love. If you apply these self-love practices to your life, your sense of worth will truly shift and the health of your relationships with it.
Phoebe Rogers, author of When Will It Happen For Me? A Shame-Free Guide to Finding Love On Your Own Timeline, is a Clinical Psychologist, couples therapist, course creator, and author who helps women overcome unhealthy relationship patterns to have a secure, loving relationship. For more information visit www.therelationshipspace.com.au
