Thirtysomething students
Julie and Sue became firm friends when they met at university. They saw each other every day, helped each other cope with the pressure of assignments and exams and regularly socialised together – so much so that Sue’s husband, Steve, once complained that she spent more time with Julie than with him.
Towards the end of their final study year, Sue, who had been unable to become pregnant naturally, tried IVF and conceived. Around the same time Julie decided to pursue postgraduate study.
Both women had the sense that, although they still cared about each other, they wouldn’t be as close in the future. Julie felt anxious about how she would cope with her studies without having Sue there for support. Sue felt guilty that her primary focus was now her pregnancy and her renewed closeness with Steve.
Friendship expert Dr Beverley Fehr, Professor of Psychology at the University of Winnipeg, notes that although some friendships last for decades or even a lifetime, common life transitions, such
as becoming a parent or changing jobs, often trigger reorganisations in your social network. Research by Dr Leslie Baxter, Professor of Communication Studies at the University of Iowa, found the most common way that friendships end is passively – the friends contact each other less frequently, spend less time together
and withdraw emotionally. They start to ask fewer questions about their friend’s life and disclose less information about their
own life and feelings.
NEW BEGINNINGS
Sadness is an obvious emotional consequence when a friendship ends.
Other common emotions include guilt
and shame when people decide they no longer want to invest in their friendship.
A person may wonder if they were “just using” their friend, which causes them anxiety when it conflicts with their view of themself as a nice person. Anxiety, confusion and anger are common when a person senses a friend pulling away from them. They may think, “What’s wrong with me?” or “What did I really mean to them?”
People often experience loneliness
and anxiety about their social identity during periods of change. Anxiety about
“Will I be liked/popular?” and “Will
I find people I can relate to?” is common. Interestingly, a study of the transition from high school to university found that by the end of the first semester most students felt closer to their new friends than to their friends from home.
LETTING GO AND STARTING OVER
1. Keep in mind that just because a friendship doesn’t last for ever it doesn’t mean it wasn’t special or meaningful. Some of the most important relationships of your life are important because of the needs they fulfil at the time.
2. Engage in behaviours that will make you attractive to new potential friends. Share enough about yourself so that people can start to become interested in you and get to know you, and give people a sense
of what’s fun about you.
3. Because too much dependency or over-disclosure can overwhelm new friends, you might need to rely on your self-care skills more than usual while you’re starting new friendships. Take the view that you may have a hard time temporarily but
you can be optimistic about the future.
4. Don’t overly personalise changes in friendships. Humans have evolved to be extremely sensitive to social rejection, because in our ancestral environment becoming excluded from your tribe threatened your survival. However, in the modern world, people evolve and change for all sorts of reasons.
5. If you need to tell a friend you don’t want to continue your friendship, you’re probably not going to be able to avoid hurting their feelings. Be as kind as you can without being untruthful.
6. People sometimes express relief
about the end of a friendship that
is no longer fulfilling, but they also sometimes express regret about having neglected a friendship. Particular friendships do sometimes fluctuate in closeness, so don’t be afraid to try to revive a friendship that is important to you.
Dr Alice Boyes is a clinical psychologist
in private practice in Christchurch.
