Rebecca* often complains that her husband Phil* sabotages her weight loss attempts. He buys large bags of potato chips that she finds irresistible so she binges on them after a bad day at work. In Rebecca’s mind, if Phil would stop buying junk food she would be able to stick to her diet. Everyone who is close to Rebecca has noticed that she always blames factors outside herself for her mistakes and unachieved goals.
Excessive blaming of other people, past life events or uncontrollable external factors can signal that the individual lacks confidence in their ability to solve their problems; has difficulty regulating emotions such as guilt, shame and anxiety; fears judgment by others; or a combination of all of these.
Social psychology research has shown that people who are happier and more psychologically adjusted are more forgiving, can maintain positive overall views of themselves while acknowledging they may be less than perfect, and assume other people will generally see them in a positive light, even if they reveal some flaws.
People who are good at problem solving are often able to see how a broad range of factors (including internal and external factors) contribute to problems. Ironically, while blaming other people is sometimes motivated by wanting to be seen positively in the eyes of others, it often backfires and is perceived as defensive and evidence of lack of insight or low self-esteem. Studies of relationships have shown that people who blame their partners for their problems tend to be reciprocated (attack is met with counterattack), whereas extending an olive branch by acknowledging responsibility is often met by the partner taking self-responsibility.
HOW TO TAKE APPROPRIATE RESPONSIBILITY:
1. To identify whether you have fallen into a problem pattern of blaming others, pay attention to how you explain events. It’s common to develop a “story” about why something occurs and then treat it as a fact or as a complete explanation without considering other perspectives. Challenge yourself to think of all the factors that have contributed to a problem. For example, in trying to understand why she devoured a family-sized bag of potato chips, Rebecca might identify she was feeling angry and disappointed with her boss after he failed to recognise how hard she had worked on a particularly big project. When she saw the potato chips at home it triggered the related thought that Phil didn’t appreciate how hard she was working on her diet.
2. Ask yourself what thoughts and feelings you’re trying hard to avoid by repeatedly blaming others for your problems. Address your secret fears about yourself. For example, in blaming Phil for sabotaging her diet, Rebecca might be trying to avoid the thought that she lacks self-control. By working so hard to avoid this thought she isn’t allowing herself the opportunity to think from a balanced, objective perspective and see all the areas of her life where she exhibits good self-control.
3. Focus on how the role of your own behaviour in your problems gives you the power to change the situation rather than on any shame, guilt, embarrassment, or anxiety. For example, if you know you have relationship issues stemming from unreliable parenting, focus on how this insight can help you change your current problem behaviour.
4. Becoming better at psychological forgiveness can boost your sense of self-respect and self-efficacy, and is even associated with being physically healthier. Professor Sonja Lyubomirsky’s book The How of Happiness (Penguin Press) includes good strategies for improving forgiveness skills and reducing rumination.
5. Notice and evaluate the usefulness of any general beliefs you have that might be contributing to your tendency to blame others. These could include beliefs such as “people should be punished for their negative actions” or an over-developed belief in a “just world” (meaning a strong belief that misfortune happens to people who are bad, lazy and stupid).
6. Notice people who are good at accepting appropriate responsibility for problems while maintaining positive self-esteem. Model your own behaviour on those people.
