What is the biggest problem with sex? The "performance model", whereby people focus too much attention on giving each other orgasms.
It’s not surprising so many people think sex is a performance activity, given how driven we are in other parts of our lives, all driving harder, harder, faster, faster to achieve more and get more. It’s so exhausting! And this desire to perform leads to a number of problems in relation to sex:
- If people think sex has to achieve something and they’re not really feeling up to it, they might not bother.
- People get performance anxiety. This reduces their confidence and enthusiasm, which tends to result in less satisfactory sex (if any at all) and sets up a negative feedback loop of low sexual confidence.
- Finally, and most importantly, if you’re focused on the endpoint of sex you miss all the good points in between.
The point of sex is not orgasm. The point of sex is a complete luscious experience. Orgasm is a delicious outcome of sex, not the point of it.
Otherwise you might as well just masturbate. That’s the difference between solo sex and partnered sex – solo sex is generally just about orgasm, partnered sex has so many more aspects to it.
Great sex has peaks and troughs, softness and intensity. It’s all good. You have to get into the pleasure of the valley as much as the pleasure of the heights. The feelings are different, but the valleys can be just as orgasmic, in a gentler, exceptionally exquisite, blissful way.
Paradoxically, by savouring all the different aspects of sex, rather than just going for the one big O, you can experience more orgasms and more varied orgasms in the one sex session.
Men can too! One of the important steps for men in becoming multi-orgasmic is to fully experience both the valleys and the highs of sexual sensation and learn to appreciate sexual sensation in a whole body way, rather than being genitally focused (I’ll write more on that another time).
One other paradox, if you move away from this performance-oriented it’s-all-about-the orgasm style approach to sex, you’ll experience a wider range of sexual sensations – even without orgasm.
For instance, the style of sex I call “Cup of Tea Sex” can be absolutely gorgeous, just gently lying together without much activity at all, just feeling close and bonded. Have you ever tried having sex without any intention to orgasm?
Try it, in fact try it several nights in a row – just lie together, him inside her (spoon position is good, on your sides, her back to his front), and do nothing. You can both squeeze your pelvic floor muscles now and again to keep the erection, but move as little as possible. Align your breathing as you do it, and you’ll find it even more interesting.
Do that for 15 minutes or so, see how it feels. This will get you learning to appreciate the quiet, soft, troughs. This is so different to what we usually think of as good sex that it might seem really odd at first, but do it every night for a week and I think you’ll find it’ll change the way you make love ever after.
So, what makes for better sex? Relax, switch off your brain and get into the groove of sex, enjoying every exquisite moment – the highs, the lows and every point in between.
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