Telephone, email, social networking – with so many mediums of communication available, why are we continually struggling to get our message across?

Having good social relationships may be as important for improving health and increasing life span as quitting smoking, losing weight or taking certain medications, according to research by the Brigham Young University, Utah. Anna-Grett Brasher, principal psychologist at Life Resolutions, agrees that making time to build relationships is important. “It still amazes me how many people who want to communicate well with their loved ones, work colleagues or friends, simply don’t make the time to do it. Pencil it into your calendar and commit to daily, weekly, monthly and even yearly catch-ups,” she suggests. “Use the technology to stay in touch, but make the time to catch up in the real world … Our brains are wired to interpret our communications with others more efficiently when we have all our senses working to gather information and complete our interpretations,” she says.

2 Understand different communication styles

There is a wide variety of ways people like to give and receive news and messages, says Jo Bassett, life coach at Living Savvy. “When communicating, one of the things that we need to do is think about who we are addressing; how does our audience like to give and receive information?” Bassett asks. “For example, my partner is not a great communicator, I need to give him a piece 
of information and let him walk away from 
it.” She says that by recognising differing communication styles, you’re more likely to have successful, meaningful interactions.

3 Use ‘I’ statements

‘I’ statements are a simple yet powerful tool in communication. Used correctly they remove accusatory tones and mitigate the risk of getting a defensive reaction. Instead of saying, “You never do any housework,” try “I feel frustrated when I do the housework on my own, I’d like it if we could take a collaborative approach to this.” Bassett recommends sharing your best-case scenario to maximise what you get out of the conversation. “Another good statement to say is, ‘I would like to feel … ’
so you are actually really sharing the intent,” she says.

4 Take it offline

With so much of how we communicate tied up in non-verbal clues, it is easy for emails and online statements to be misinterpreted. Jenni Beattie, director of Sydney-based online marketing and social media company Digital Democracy, says, “Although online communication via social media is by its nature real-time and spontaneous, it is important to read and re-read what you have written. Just as with office emails, other forms of online communication can be misread and cause tensions.”

5 Really listen

It is often said that we have two ears and one mouth, so we should listen twice as much as we speak, emphasising a basic principle of communication – listening. Robert Bolton, author of People Skills: How to Assert Yourself, Listen to Others, and Resolve Conflict (Simon & Schuster, 1986), says it is difficult to disguise inattentiveness. “The listener who is truly present to another displays a vitality that registers on face and body his interest and concern for what the other is saying. The person who is not really ‘there’ even though his body takes an attending position, is inevitably detected.”

6 Resist the urge 
to be right

Bolton says in 25 years researching conflict and effective communication he found that “over 95 per cent of all conflict stems from our own irresistible need to be right”. Stephen Covey, author of The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, first published in 1989, agrees. He devotes an entire chapter to teaching win-win situations and lists it as one of the habits of Highly Effective People. “We think about succeeding in terms of someone else failing … ” he writes. “Win-win sees life as a cooperative arena, not a competitive one. Win-win is a frame of mind and heart that constantly seeks mutual benefit in all human interactions.”

7 Know when to 
walk away

Walking away from a conflict needn’t be viewed negatively, Bassett says. She suggests using ‘I’ statements to instigate taking a break, for example: “I can feel myself getting hot under the collar … can I suggest we take five minutes?” She says when resolving a conflict situation, it may take more than one attempt. “It’s quite unrealistic to think it will be resolved in one conversation,” she adds. “Be prepared to go back and think about what your intent is … If it’s a friendship thing, you might say ‘I really want our friendship back on track’ but that might take three conversations, so there needs to be a level of patience.”

8 Pay attention to 
non-verbal signals

The influence of body language and non-verbal signals is estimated at 65, 70, even 90 per cent of human communication. While that figure may not be definitive, it is clear that non-verbal communication is hugely important. Bassett says when delivering important news, it is also important to think about the setting. “Make sure that when you communicate you’ve managed the environment, you’ve picked a good time and it’s a quiet place so there is no distraction. You need to make sure that everything is congruent; how you’re speaking in terms of your tone, and the pace, the volume, your hand gestures 
and the environment is all in line with 
the message you’re wanting to share 
with that person.”

9 Know your purpose

When broaching an uncomfortable or potentially difficult conversation, it’s important to have clear goals for what you want to achieve. Bassett says preparation is important and suggests taking five minutes to establish what the most desirable outcome is for the situation. “You need to have a conversation with yourself before you go into a conflict situation. What is that you want to say? Is your message to seek resolution? Or make them feel really stupid and let them know how much they’ve irritated you? If you want to resolve things, you need to put that aside,” she says.

10 Be interested, ask questions

There is no greater feeling of someone taking interest in your life. Bassett says an important question to ask yourself in any conversation is, are you really listening or are you just waiting for your turn to talk? “I like to think of communication as a dance and so it’s much smoother if you’re aware of where the other person is coming from and what steps they want to dance as well. I often find when you let go and ask questions, it’s amazing what people will share with you.”

Online Communication

With the rise of social networking and the increased reliance on email communication, the way we talk to one another is constantly changing. Whether you like it or not, it’s here to stay, and how you conduct yourself online speaks of your professionalism, reliability and image. Jenni Beattie, director of Digital Democracy a Sydney-based online marketing and social media company, says a good rule of thumb when posting online is ‘The Grandma Rule’, meaning if you wouldn’t want your grandma to see it, don’t post it.

“Think carefully before you commit any communication to online platforms and remember if it doesn’t pass the Grandma test it probably shouldn’t be there. Employers, future partners, children are all viewing you through the eyes of Google, so think and write carefully,” she says.

Beattie, who also teaches a Rethinking Media course at University of Technology Sydney says it is also important to protect your online privacy, often referred to as your Google Footprint. “Everyone has a reputation offline but we also have one online,” she says. “Simply google your name to find yours. Do you like what you see? Is it positioning you in the right light?”

Beattie says keeping abreast of the latest technologies will ensure you don’t make any technological faux pas. “Stay up 
to date on the latest online platforms and look for the conventions or etiquette that guide them,” she says.