Consider the following words: “When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.” This isn’t a 
quote from a spiritual healer. They are the words of Austrian psychiatrist 
Viktor E. Frankl (1905–1997), who was a prisoner in a Nazi concentration camp during World War II.

In 1942 Frankl was sent to Auschwitz, where his wife, mother and father would die. Every day he was a first-hand witness to the Holocaust as people were gassed, worked to death, starved and killed at the hands of brutal guards.

He had lost total control over his life. He had nothing: his family had been killed, his dignity robbed. He had no choice over any aspect of his physical life. But then he realised something: the only part of himself that the Nazis and the surrounding horrors could not touch was his mind. He had the ability to choose 
his thoughts.

“The experiences of camp life show that we do have a choice of action. There were enough heroic examples which proved that apathy could be overcome, irritability suppressed. We can preserve a vestige of spiritual freedom, of independence of mind, even in such terrible conditions of psychic and physical stress,” he wrote.

Frankl survived the war and went on to document his story, and his theories about the experience, in his book, Man’s Search for Meaning (1946). He observed how both prisoners and guards either defied or compounded the human tragedy around them, largely guided by their inner life.

Some prisoners gave up and died, while others clung to life and survived. Frankl concluded that while some things are beyond our control, it’s how we choose to deal with our experiences that is important.

Every one of us has this choice. We are far better off than Frankl was during the war – we have our homes, families and jobs. No matter what is happening in your life, you have the power to decide how you want to think about it, and how you want to think about yourself.

Frankl wrote: “It didn’t really matter what we expected from life, but rather what life expected from us. We needed to stop asking about the meaning of life, and instead to think of ourselves as being questioned by life – daily and hourly.

“Our answer must consist not in 
talk and meditation but in right action and in right conduct. Life ultimately means taking the responsibility to find the right answer to its problems, and to fulfil the tasks that it constantly sets for each individual.”

LISTEN TO YOUR THOUGHTS

Imagine putting on the radio. A song starts playing with the lyrics “My life is no good. I’m dreading going to work today. My boss thinks I’m lazy. There’s too much work. I always have bad luck.” Now imagine you listen to the song for so long that it becomes part of the atmosphere, so you no longer really listen. How would that make you feel?

For many of us, that’s what happens in our minds. “We all have this internal dialogue going on,” says Julie Mackay, a life coach and counsellor, “but we learn to accept it without challenging it. The power of thinking is very strong.”

According to Mackay, the language we use creates our thoughts and, in turn, our feelings and actions. If you have negative internal dialogue it makes you feel bad, so you feel trapped in your life and in your habits and you make little effort to change that.

The first step towards changing your thinking is to really listen to what you are saying to yourself. Sometimes it may take some effort to bring these thoughts to your conscious mind. If you wake in the morning feeling resentful, perhaps you’re saying to yourself, “I don’t want to go to work. I hate my job but I have no choice.” Write down what you are saying to yourself throughout the day, to put your thoughts in the realm of your conscious control.

LEARN FROM YOURSELF

Your internal dialogue had to begin somewhere and it’s worth taking the time to learn where your thinking patterns may have started. It may be that you were “labelled” a certain way during childhood or adolescence. Someone might have called you a “nerd” or “pathetic” or even “pretty”; often, we internalise these labels and carry them around with us.

“We sometimes label ourselves worse than we would anyone else,” says counsellor Julia Barnard, of Make the Change online counselling service, “but often there’s no evidence that you actually fit the label.”

It’s also important to look at your understanding of control, or what psychologists call “locus of control”.

Some people feel that they are never at fault, shifting the blame to situations and other people for problems in their lives. They also believe, in some way, that they have no control; that everything is controlled elsewhere.

Other people believe the opposite: that they control everything. If they want something, they go out and get it. However, these people may also blame themselves for negative things that happen beyond their control.

A healthy locus of control is when you are able to acknowledge what you can change, and what you can’t. For example, you can’t necessarily control getting sick, but you can control what medicine you take and how you feel about being unwell.

“People have more control in their lives than they realise,” says Barnard. “Someone might say, ‘I can’t leave my job.’ Well, yes you can. It’s your choice. People talk about luck, but to some extent we make our own luck.”

THE POWER OF CHOICE

You have the choice to pursue whatever you want in life. You have the choice to decide how you want to think about yourself, your life and those around you.

Challenge negative thinking. “Be wary of using words such as ‘never’, ‘should’, ‘can’t’ and ‘must’,” Barnard says. “If you find yourself thinking, ‘Nothing good ever happens to me,’ challenge that statement. Is it really true?”

To break the habit of thinking negatively, you need to question negative statements and replace them with something logical. Logic is important, as blanket positive statements don’t necessarily work if they’re not realistic.

Some therapists use a technique known as Socratic questioning. Based on the teachings of ancient Greek philosopher Socrates, it’s an easy technique: simply turn any statement into a question, or apply “Why?” or “What is the evidence for…?” to the statement.

If you find yourself thinking, “My life is unfair,” change that to: “Is my life really unfair?” or “What is the evidence that my life isn’t fair?” After you’ve changed the statement into a question, try answering it using logic. Answer the statement as if you were helping to solve the problem for a friend.

Frankl could not have controlled the fact that he was taken to a Nazi concentration camp. He didn’t become dejected, nor did he use blind optimism. He simply came to understand that his inner world was his, and his alone, and he used that as his refuge.

He wrote: “We who lived in concentration camps can remember the men who walked through the huts comforting others, giving away their last piece of bread. They may have been few in number, but they offer sufficient proof that everything can be taken from you but one thing: the last of human freedoms – to choose your attitude in any set of circumstances, to choose your own way.”