I’m working with a client at the moment who has been faking orgasm with her husband for the past seven years. They’ve been together eleven years, so the first four were nicely orgasmic, but since…

So she has two choices now: confess that she’s been faking it and work with him to become orgasmic again or not tell him anything and actually replace the fake orgasms with real orgasms. (Or her third option is to keep faking it.)

My preferred option is the first as it’s so much easier to make changes to a couple’s love life if they are both involved. However, my client is concerned that her husband will be devastated if she admits she’s been faking it for so long (probably with good reason!), so she's going for the second option. 

This is the trickier option, but it is possible, and might take some ongoing faking until she is fully orgasmic again. She’s working on the orgasmic side by taking more control of their love-making, expanding their sexual repertoire, improving the lead-up to sex and learning a lot more about her own body and sex in general. She’s determined, so chances are she will achieve her goal.

But wouldn’t it have been a lot easier if she’d never started faking it in the first place?!

Ladies, please, I ask you to put one hand over your heart and raise the other and say out loud:   “I will not fake orgasms.”

Now say it again, more firmly and with conviction: “I WILL NOT FAKE ORGASMS!”

Excellent. Now stick to that resolve.

It’s just not worth it.

You could possibly be excused if you were with someone for the first time and were absolutely sure you’d never see him again – but why let him think he’s done something he hasn’t? It’s just setting the next woman up for failure.

Or maybe if you’re in a long-term relationship and usually orgasm but for some reason you’re too tired or something and know that you just aren’t going to make it that time. But in that case why not tell him you’re not going to make it and just enjoy the closeness?

Sex is not just about orgasm. It’s the journey not the destination.

People are so obsessed with the Big ‘O’ these days, that men feel inadequate if they don’t give their partner an orgasm (or several) and women feel inadequate if they don’t have an orgasm. This all adds to performance anxiety, which actually makes the likelihood of causing/having an orgasm even less.

Chill out! You don’t have to have/cause an orgasm! Of course it’s a wonderful part of sex, but it’s not obligatory.

If you’ve having ongoing problems with orgasm then it’s worth the both of you focusing on ways to enable orgasm – note that I said both of you – and to do so in an inspired, playful way, rather than a got-to-have-an-orgasm-at-all-costs kind of way. That all or nothing thinking leads to faking it and faking leads to ongoing problems.

So ladies, never fake it. And gentlemen, don’t take it as a personal affront if she doesn’t make it.

So, having convinced you of the perils of faking it, next time I’m going to give you some useful advice on making it!

Jacqueline Hellyer is a life and sex coach. She runs the highly acclaimed Luscious Woman workshops and in her private practice works with individuals and couples to help them reach their sexual potential.

www.jacquelinehellyer.com