Is sex part of our base, animalistic nature, or is it something uniquely human that defines us and elevates above the animals? Does it enable us to soar with the angels?
Most of Western cultural history presents sex as something base, unfortunate and tolerated because of the need to reproduce. People who wanted to elevate themselves above our base animal nature avoided sex so as to be pure, chaste and more godly.
The funny thing is though, it is only the reproductive aspect of sex that we have in common with animals.
Animals only mate to reproduce. They only do it when the female is in heat, there is no evident pleasure and it is not done with love or as a way of strengthening bonds.
Human sex can extend far beyond reproduction (as wonderful as that is). We can have sex at any time, it can bring extraordinary pleasure, and is intrinsically linked to our emotional expression.
So why is human sex so different to that of the rest of the animal kingdom? Partly because of our genitals - and I’ll talk more about this in future postings - but more importantly, it’s to do with our brain.
The largest and most important sex organ in the human body is the brain. Unlike animals, the human brain has an extraordinary capacity to think, dream, plan, experiment, fantasise and play.
This enables humans to have meaningful sex (beyond reproduction). Without the use of the brain, sex is just a biological coupling. With the brain, it can take us to the heights of transcendence.
Our brains can lead us to great sexual joy – but our brains can just as readily stymie our sexual pleasure.
As much as we can use our brains to create, we can also allow them to block that creativity and prevent us from allowing our full sexual expression.
This may take the form of shame, a belief that sex is bad, or that certain types of sexual activity are wrong.
Or the beliefs can relate to the role of men and women in sex, that women are less sexual than men for instance, or that men should be more active and women more passive.
More commonly these days I see people believing that sex is a performance activity with the goal to ‘perform’ for the other, and to achieve certain sexual goals.
People have any number of ‘shoulds’ around sex, in terms of what, when and how they should or shouldn’t do things - how they should act, how they should feel, even how they should think.
Unfortunately it’s these limiting beliefs that prevent the flourishing of our sexual expression and enjoyment.
Of course there are certain sexual activities that we can’t condone, but as long as it’s between consenting adults, the range of possibilities is pretty broad.
This is not to suggest that you should engage in every possible sex act. Just as tastes in food vary, so do tastes in sex.
In my next post I’ll be looking at your eroticism and knowing what turns you on. For now I want to encourage you to look at your sexual beliefs. What do you believe is good or bad sexually, and how valid are those beliefs? What are the ‘shoulds’ you adhere to sexually, and are they beneficial to you?
We all need boundaries, but it’s important to be sure that those boundaries come from within us, based on what is true for us as individuals, not what's imposed from outside.
If you really do love sex under the covers with the lights out, missionary position only, then fine, but if you do it that way simply because you think you should, then I’d invite you to re-examine your underlying beliefs.
And conversely, if you go swinging at couples clubs simply because your partner wants to and you think you should, then again, examine your beliefs. Why do you think you should, and what would you really like?
Use your brain – know your beliefs.
Next time we’ll look at how to use our sexual brains positively and creatively.
And as always, I encourage you to send in your comments, questions and feedback.
***
Jacqueline Hellyer is a life and sex coach. For more information visit www.jacquelinehellyer.com
MiNDFOOD © 2008
Environment Nature News | Catwalk Fashion Images | Travel & Holiday Ideas
