Men and women are equal sexually, but equal does not mean the same.
Vive la difference!
Before I go into this I want to stress that we all have female and male elements within us, and both can be expressed sexually. At times we’ll express one more than the other, and this diversifies and improves our sexual options (hmm, sounds like an excellent topic for another blog post!).
Clearly homosexual couples can have great sex without the need for a male body and female body.
However, to keep the discussion simple I will be talking about heterosexual sex, and I will be generalising about men and women. This doesn’t mean that all men are always like this, and all women are always like this. It’s about energy, and we have both energies, both elements, within us.
What we’re talking about here is sexual energy. This energy expresses itself both as the desire for sex and as the response to sex.
Men (or the masculine element) tend to have more energy in the desire stage of sex, they bring energy into the sex act; and women (or the feminine element) tend to create more energy during the sex act.
This is all potential though. We’re generally pretty aware that men tend to have a higher sex drive and tend to enter the sex act already aroused.
A man can look down and say “Gosh, I’ve got an erection, I must want sex”, while it’s rare that a woman would look down and exclaim “Gosh, I’m lubricating, I must want sex.”
It’s more likely that a woman will think “Hmm, I wouldn’t mind some sex…” and the lubrication (the arousal) happens during the sex act, or in the lead up to it.
For men, desire and arousal are often simultaneous, or closely connected; for women they can be (of course in the early stages of a relationship the sight or thought of a lover can get the arousal and the desire happening simultaneously, but this tends not to last).
More often for women the desire is a mental state of readiness and the physical arousal starts with the actual sex act (and by sex act I’m speaking very broadly to include foreplay and other activities leading up to foreplay).
So, men bring more energy into the sex act with their higher desire. That’s only half of the equation though. The other half is the sexual response, and women have it all over men in that regard…potentially.
Unfortunately not all women, or their partners, are aware of their sexual potential, and how energetically powerful it can be (and it’s one of my driving motivators to spread the word!).
The thing is, women have a much greater sexual response than men – we can have multiple orgasms, sustained orgasms, big orgasms and little orgasms, orgasms derived from stimulation to different parts of our genitals, orgasms derived from different parts of our body, even orgasms from mental stimulation alone.
The famous sex researchers, Masters and Johnson, stated that: “Women have an infinitely greater capacity for sexual response than a man ever dreamed of.”
When a woman reaches those levels of sexual response, she creates an enormous amount of sexual energy that nourishes both herself and her partner. In fact, particularly her partner.
In Tantra there is a term for female sexual energy called ‘Shakti’. According to Tantric thought, men need shakti energy to nourish them as they don’t produce it themselves. This is why men need to have sex with women so much.
Women are self-nourishing because they have this energy within them, but men need it. This is one of the reasons why men like to look at pictures of naked women, because they get that energy even from images (modern scientific research has also shown that men who looked at pictures of breasts for a certain period of time every day were healthier!).
This doesn’t mean that men are gross sexual animals taking advantage of women. Quite the opposite. For a man to truly stimulate his partner to release her sexual energy he needs to be chivalrous and attentive.
Here’s a lovely analogy from the ancient Chinese Taoist tradition: Men are like fire, which heats up quickly and dies down quickly. Women are like water, they take a long time to heat up, but when they do they boil and can keep boiling for ages and ages…
So men bring their hot fire energy into the sex act, use it to heat up the woman’s water energy, and once she’s heated up she boils away creating the energy that nourishes them both.
I find this analogy useful for modern couples for a number of reasons:
- it explains why men need sex and helps women understand it’s not just because they’re inconsiderate beasts;
- it lets women understand that not having a high physical desire for sex doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with them;
- it stresses the role of the man in arousing the woman and that this takes time;
- it elevates the role of the female partner as being the one who generates nourishing energy for both of them;
- Both men and women understand the importance of accepting the male energy to start the sex act and arouse the woman, and to realise that the woman accepts and uses this energy to allow herself to become aroused.
- And that everyone realises the importance of creating this sexual energy to nourish the parties individually and as a couple. (Good sex doesn’t just release energy, it releases feel good, bonding hormones, releases stress, lowers blood pressure, etc etc – all good stuff!)
So…are you inspired? If yes, go forth and create that energy!
But if it’s leaving you wondering: “All well and good, but how do I reach, or enable my partner to reach, those levels of arousal?” then stay tuned.
The theory is done. Now it’s time to get practical!
Jacqueline Hellyer is a life and sex coach. She runs the highly acclaimed Luscious Woman workshops and in her private practice works with individuals and couples to help them reach their sexual potential.
Latest News
- I’ll be speaking at the Passion for Life Singles Expo in Sydney on the 25th of October
- I will be running Luscious Woman workshops levels One and Two in November
- My e-book Sex Secrets for Busy People is now available in print version
For more information please visit my website:
www.jacquelinehellyer.com
